


As You Are

by sentientstars



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Confessions, Gen, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Near Future, aromantic!bokuto, asexual!akaashi, tiny smooches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6445870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentientstars/pseuds/sentientstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akaashi finally gets the nerve to confess to Bokuto the night of his own graduation ceremony, but while he doesn't get the response he'd originally been hoping for, the response he does get ends up being just as good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Suguru @ Tumblr asked for some sad BokuAka headcanons/scenarios and I was honestly just gonna submit her a 3-paragraph drabble thing because I’d gotten a really good idea immediately after seeing her post, but somehow it got so, so very out of hand and I couldn't shut up and ended up with this massive mess. It somehow took me literally 10 hours to write this, I've been doing nothing but think about this for so long I'm not even sure if I really exist anymore. Here you go, Leah! I can't write unresolved angst because I have a glass heart when it comes to ships, so the ending is happy, but hopefully the angsty part of the fic is... adequately angsty???????
> 
> ** PLEASE READ THE SEGMENT ENTITLED "IMPORTANT" AT THE END OF THE FIC IF YOU READ THE ENTIRE PIECE, THANK YOU **

          Akaashi finally gets the nerve to confess to Bokuto just after his graduation ceremony. When Bokuto gets to him, he is too loud, as usual-- picking Akaashi up and spinning him around, hugging him too tight, yelling about how proud he is, and saying "congratulations" way more than enough times. Bokuto eventually sets him back down and his laughter dissipates into a wide, warm smile and Akaashi realizes that he's genuinely smiling back when he catches Bokuto's gaze. His arms are still clasped behind Bokuto's neck and his heart is sitting snugly in his throat; it takes all of his effort to keep looking Bokuto in the eyes when he says it. Bokuto's eyes widen and his grip on Akaashi's waist tightens just a little; he chews his lips, but doesn't look away. _His expression is a little weird_ , Akaashi thinks, _he doesn't look as surprised as I thought he'd look_. Akaashi briefly wonders if maybe Bokuto had known it was coming, but suddenly he's being pulled into the tightest embrace and Bokuto is thanking him from the bottom of his heart, then-- slipping the softest apology into Akaashi's ear.

          In a single moment, a stillness like death suffocates all of Akaashi's senses. "Aromantic", Bokuto had said, and of course there's nothing wrong with that; Akaashi is asexual, himself, so he isn't unfamiliar with not being attracted to people in certain ways. Akaashi respects Bokuto immensely and has always accepted everything about him without hesitation. That wouldn't change now, no matter what, so he nods at every word. Bokuto grimaces when he pulls back from the embrace, noticing that Akaashi's nods are a little too eager; he's nodding as if to agree with Bokuto even when he isn't speaking. Bokuto's chest constricts upon thinking that Akaashi is probably nodding just as much to convince himself that he is okay with what Bokuto is saying as he is to acknowledge that it's being said in the first place. Akaashi's head swims and he feels slightly faint, barely able to concentrate amidst the painful haze of rejection. 

          Bokuto presses their foreheads together and holds Akaashi's face in his hands, something he's always done to help curb Akaashi's anxiety when it's at its worst; Akaashi's eyes close reflexively and he swallows with some effort, gently wrapping his fingers around Bokuto's wrists to hold his hands in place so he won't remove them. Bokuto fills the otherwise silent hallway with gentle words, working steadily to close the wound he knows has been opened. Through the mental fog Akaashi does manage to pick up some phrases: "you're my favourite person", "attracted to you in every other way", "definitely be more physically affectionate with you", "I want to be with you, Akaashi, if that's what you want". Akaashi focuses hard on that last one, the last thing Bokuto had said before falling silent. Akaashi forces himself to breathe evenly, furrowing his eyebrows and trying to make sense of everything in the rush. _So_ , Akaashi tells himself, _he still wants to give me all that he's able to give_ , and the heart which had sunk like a dead anchor to the bottom of Akaashi's ribcage slowly begins to be pulled back up as Bokuto's words sink in.

          Akaashi isn't sure when he started crying, but now he notices Bokuto's thumbs spreading tears away from his eyes. He's embarrassed, surprised at himself for being so affected by what he'd already rationally considered was a very possible outcome, but the nausea is gone and he can breathe again without so much effort. After a minute, Akaashi realizes how quiet Bokuto is being and it _hurts_ \-- _He's never this quiet_ , Akaashi thinks, _this isn't right, it shouldn't be like this_. He closes his eyes tight and fights back a sob, but the sound of Bokuto's voice quickly pulls him out of it.

          "Akaashi, I'm sor--"

          "Bokuto-san!" Akaashi almost yells in alarm; a quick, nervous laugh escaping from his throat. He pulls away to dry his cheeks and adjust his shirt sleeves, " _Please_ , don't _ever_ apologize to me or anyone for being how you are. It's not wrong, you're not doing anything wrong, I mean it-- I really hope I haven't made you feel guilty, please don't think--"

          "I _am_ sorry, though," Bokuto's voice is unusually soft and Akaashi senses a shift in his mood. After a few moments, Akaashi intuits that Bokuto needs prompting to continue, so he complies.

          "Why are you sorry?" Akaashi asks, trying to keep his voice neutral and steady. He really doesn't want Bokuto to feel guilty whatsoever; he genuinely doesn't feel that Bokuto has anything to apologize for, but all the same, he doesn't want to invalidate Bokuto's feelings by pressing those things, so he listens.

          "Because..." Bokuto chews his lip and looks at the floor. Akaashi's jaw tightens like a bear trap and he fights to keep his expression vacant, noticing miserably that this is the second time Bokuto has started chewing his lips-- Akaashi knows that he only does so when he's really upset. Akaashi _never_ wants to be the reason that Bokuto is upset and it hurts him so much to know that this time, he is.

          "Even though it would be perfect for me... even though I would be really happy if we were together and I would never want for anything, it would never be good enough for you. Even if I gave you everything else I have, I... I'll always be like this, so I'll never be able to give you what you really want."

          Bokuto clenches his fists hard at his sides and Akaashi stares on in stunned silence. Bokuto looks up resolutely into Akaashi's eyes, but his expression is pained.

          "You'd be miserable, Akaashi. You'd always wish you were with someone else, someone who could return those kind of feelings. Being loved the way you want to be loved is so much more valuable than anything else I could ever give you. There's no reason you should settle with me when you'd be better off--"

          Akaashi needs Bokuto to stop and he needs Bokuto to stop _right now_ , but it usually takes the equivalent of an act of God to derail Bokuto's train of thought once he gets fixated on something, so Akaashi does the only thing he can think of to completely (and safely) alter the course of the conversation: he pushes his hands into Bokuto's hair and pulls him forward to press a hard kiss to his lips. To his surprise, Bokuto reciprocates almost immediately, pressing back so much that Akaashi has to step back a bit to keep his balance. Bokuto wraps his arms around Akaashi's lower back to steady him and Akaashi pulls away a little to breathe; after a moment he leans in again and kisses Bokuto a second time, much more softly.

          Akaashi presses their foreheads together this time and gently runs his fingernails against Bokuto's scalp, pushing his hair back away from his face.

          "It hurt a lot at first, I was really scared, but... now that I'm really thinking about it, there's not really any reason for it to hurt. I was upset because I thought maybe there was a special place in your heart that I couldn't access just because I wasn't good enough, but in reality... that space isn't even there because you don't feel that way about anyone; it's really not about me at all."

          Akaashi pulls back to look into Bokuto's eyes; he gently combs Bokuto's bangs to the side and rubs his thumbs against Bokuto's cheeks. Bokuto still looks hurt, but Akaashi feels much calmer. His head is clearing and things really aren't as bad as he'd first thought-- except that Bokuto is talking about himself so badly, which isn't necessarily uncommon for this kind of mood swing, but it's not something Akaashi wants to let go unchecked.

          "Hypothetically speaking, if you loved me to the extent of your ability, as much as you could ever love anyone, there wouldn't really be anything more I could ever want. Having the most platonic love from you would infinitely outweigh any romantic love I could ever have from anyone else, just because it would be _your_ love-- that automatically makes it more valuable to me than anything else. The type of love is really not that important to me-- what matters is that it would be coming from _you_."

          Bokuto's eyebrows draw down and he clenches his jaw, taking up Akaashi's hands from his cheeks and pushing the base of Akaashi's palms hard against his closed eyes. He spreads his hands out over Akaashi's to keep them there.

          "I don't even know how you can really think that way now, if that's really how you feel, but you definitely won't think of it like that forever, there's no way-- even the most I can give won't be enough to satisfy you and you'll get disappointed and eventually you'll realize that I'm not worth it and you won't look at me the same anymore, and--"

          "Bokuto-san," Akaashi interrupts quietly but forcefully. Bokuto falls obediently into silence. 

          "Do you love me?"

          Bokuto stays completely still for a fair bit before releasing his hold on one of Akaashi's hands, which falls away. He pulls Akaashi's other palm down over his mouth and holds it there, looking into Akaashi's eyes and wondering if telling the truth will cause more harm than good. 

          He closes his eyes and sighs through his nose, nodding into Akaashi's hand. He kisses it once before releasing it back to him as well, "As much as I can, I think-- way more than I've ever loved anyone else, but it's still not really what people would think of as... I dunno, normal? Ideal? You'd be selling yourself short--"

          "Have you ever wanted more out of our relationship at all? Anything more than what we've had up until maybe twenty minutes ago?"

          Bokuto flinches as if in pain and ducks his head, the corners of his eyes crinkling and his nose scrunching up. Akaashi thinks he looks like he might be about to cry, so he presses forward, 

          "It doesn't have to be romantic, Bokuto-san, that's not important. There's a million more things we can do together and a million more ways we can show we love each other without you ever needing to feel romantically for me. If we both want more out of our relationship-- even if we have no idea what "more" really is-- that's a good enough reason for us to try something new. We can always work out the details later, but it would be a waste not to try at all, don't you think?" 

          Akaashi takes Bokuto's hands and squeezes them gently; Bokuto hesitates, but turns his head back to look Akaashi in the eyes and gently squeezes his hands back. 

          "We can be more physical just because it feels good if we want to, you can kiss me just because you want to, I won't feel sorry if there are no romantic feelings behind it because the label doesn't really matter as long as we feel comfortable and respected and our needs are being met. I don't so much have an incredible list of all the things I want out of a relationship, I don't really feel the need for you to feel exactly the same way for me as I do about you, I just want more of _you_ \-- that is, if there's any more of you you'd be comfortable sharing with me that you haven't yet."

          Bokuto's eyes are wide and focused on Akaashi, but he reflexively withdraws one of his hands and brings it to his mouth to start biting his fingernails, but Akaashi quickly pulls it away again, chiding with a soft click of his tongue. They both break a smile at this interaction and laugh a little-- it's something they've done so many times that they barely think about their responses anymore. Being with one another is just... easy.

          "No matter how much or little it is, whatever you want to give will always be good enough for me because I'd never want you to give more than you were comfortable with in the first place. Your safety and happiness will always be more rewarding to me than anything else from any _one_ else. I don't know what all I'll need to be satisfied in the long run, but right now I know that I would like more than this, if there's any more you would want to give."

          Bokuto keeps his grip on one of Akaashi's hands but slides the other gently against the back of his neck to pull him forward into another kiss. It's simple, just the right amount of pressure, and lasts exactly as long as they need it to.

          "You talk about me like I'm so important," Bokuto mumbles pseudo-sheepishly, drawing his hand back to scratch the back of his head as if embarrassed.

          "Bokuto-san!" Akaashi smiles, his voice high and incredulous, "You don't fool me-- you're not even half as shy as you sound. You already know that you're _very_ important to me,"

          Bokuto smiles back so widely and genuinely at this that Akaashi's heart almost hurts. Seeing Bokuto's smile is one of his most favourite things and, every time it happens, it feels like falling in love all over again.

          Bokuto shifts his weight from one foot to the other, clearly becoming physically agitated with nervous energy.

          "Do you--" Bokuto starts, but quickly cuts himself off, scrubbing his hand over his mouth and looking away. Akaashi recognizes this tic as another way Bokuto expresses that he needs to be encouraged to continue before he feels comfortable doing so, so Akaashi helps.

          "Do I what?"

          Bokuto glances between Akaashi's face and the floor, scuffing the bottom of shoe against the tile. Akaashi squeezes the hand he's been holding for silent additional reassurance.

          "Do you really still want to try, even though I'm... like this? Even with everything else I want to give, I just... I don't know if I'll ever be worth it."

          "Bokuto-san, I _do_ understand why you're insecure, I often feel something similar with regard to my asexuality, but I also sincerely hope that at some point you will _stop_ referring to yourself as if you're some biological abomination because there's honestly nothing wrong with you being "like this"-- feeling differently doesn't inherently mean you feel less. If you love me the most you can in your own way, there's really nothing more I could want. I promise your feelings are not inferior. And there's not a point of worth that you have to build up to-- you're already worth it to me, you always have been. And I wouldn't have confessed to you if I hadn't been hoping that _something_ between us would change in some way, hopefully for the better, so yes, I really, _really_ want to try, as long as you do. I want to be with you in whatever way you'll have me."

          Akaashi barely finishes his last sentence before Bokuto is hauling him up to his chest; Akaashi yelps in surprise, wrapping his legs around Bokuto's waist and his arms around his neck to prevent plummeting back to the earth-- not that he thinks even for a moment that Bokuto would ever drop him. Bokuto laughs loudly before nuzzling his face into Akaashi's neck, humming contentedly.

          "Akaashi," Bokuto says against his skin, his tone high and happy.

          "Yes, Bokuto-san?" Akaashi feels strange, smiling so hard it hurts, but feeling tears prick the corners of his eyes all the same. He closes them tight and tries to focus on the solid support of Bokuto's arms around him.

          "Congratulations. You're incredible,"

          "Thank you," Akaashi says softly, scratching the back of Bokuto's head affectionately. He's unable to keep himself from smiling at the knowledge that he now has more than one thing to celebrate, "You are, too."

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written Bokuto before and I'm incapable of writing anyone in character anyway because I see the world through a filter that's like 50% the pros of shoujo manga and 50% obscene levels of emotional support & acceptance in relationships, so I'm very sorry that this is probably unbearable to read. it's almost 4am I'm dead goodnight goodbye hmu @hqrarepairs on twitter or tumblr if u wanna jam *does a sick kickflip into the sun*  
> \--  
> ** IMPORTANT ** I want everyone to leave this fic aware that Bokuto's response to Akaashi's romantic confession as presented in this piece is just one of the infinite responses that an aromantic person might have to receiving a romantic confession. This piece was to represent aromantic people who happen to still want other things from relationships, such as myself, because too often people assume we don't experience other types of attraction or want/need relationships. It is my hope that non-aromantic people who read this fic will maybe keep a more open mind about seeing aromantic people as potential partners, to not make assumptions about us, and realize that aromantic people are equally complex with their own wants/needs that deserve to be considered on an individual basis. Thank you.


End file.
